Building a Practice of Self Love
Today I worte my self a love letter...well its probably more of a love statement but you get the idea anyways.
We've reached day 9 of Neghar Fonooni's 14 day #bikinirebellion. The challenge has been an amazing experience thus far and if you haven't checked it out yet you really must! She really has built a community of women who are supporting and encouraging each other to build or further define their self-love. Visit the webpage for full details or simply search Instagram for the #bikinirebellion. Each day, Neghar sends out a wonderfully written email that guides you through a self-love exercise (or two or three). Today's email is all about creating a practice of self-love.
Too often, self-love is the thing we forget to practice. If you're new to the idea self-love can seem silly or even selfish, but it is an necessary component of any balanced, happy life. It can effect everything in your life including who you pick as your partner, how you portray yourself at work or in social settings, and even how you cope with daily challenges and stress.
Deborah Khoshaba Psy.D. with Psychology Today had a great definition of self love, "Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows by actions that mature us. When we act in ways that expand self-love in us, we begin to accept much better our weaknesses as well as our strengths, have less need to explain away our short-comings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts."
What I love most about that definition is that it classifies self-love as a dynamic state which is developed by our actions. These actions can be something as simple as writing ourselves a little encouraging note, repeating a mantra or kind thought throughout the day, or setting aside some time during a busy week to do something we find fulfilling. It can be as short as a 5 second mantra or as long as a 90 minute massage. You can build your practice of self-love in whatever way is most meaningful to you.
Wondering where to start? Look at some of the actions below and select a few to practice this week. The one thing I do ask is that you consider adding in a daily mantra. Thoughts have been shown to be incredibly impactful tools for change and can lead to either positive or negative changes in our mental and even physical structure and well-being. (Yes, I said physical structure. Read below if you don't believe me.)
1. Pick a daily mantra.
Words are incredibly powerful things. In 1994, Dr. Masaru Emoto conducted an experiment where he exposed water in glasses to different words, pictures or music, and then froze and examined their aesthetic properties of the resulting crystals with a microscope. The resulting images are really quite remarkable.
When staff repeated positive thoughts or words to the water, the crystals were beautiful. When the water was exposed to negatives words though, the crystals were off-color and misshapen. The images below are all from Dr. Emoto's site, be sure to visit for even more.
The effects of just these few words was so large on these water crystals, it is impossible not to wonder about the effect the words we tell ourselves each day may be having on us. This week, try to focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones - or be proactive and pick a mantra to tell yourself throughout the day. You can do it as often as you like (every hour on the hour, each time you look in the mirror, or even each time you go to the bath) just remember to do it repeatedly throughout the week.
2. Set boundaries.
Protect yourself and set boundaries from work, relationships, and/or activities that drain you or bring you down. Yes, there are times where we need to do things that that drain us (laundry, anyone?), but it is important to set boundaries around those things so that it does not become to encircle our entire lives. Make sure to carve out time to do activities that bring you joy, energize you, or make you happy and try to limit those activities that bring you down.
3. Forgive yourself.
We can be brutal to ourselves when we feel like we've messed up, but remember to treat yourself like you would a friend and FORGIVE YOURSELF. We are human beings and thus are not perfect. Expecting perfectionism is a sure fire way to fail. Take it easy and remind yourself that this is a learning process. No one will ever perfect the art of self-love. We all have bad days but even those bad days can be used to lead ourselves to the good. If you realize you've slipped-up somehow, forgive yourself and ask yourself these three questions: 1.) How did I get here? 2.) Could it have been avoided? 3.) How can I choose a different path in the future?
4. Be mindful.
Try to pay attention to how you are thinking, feeling, and acting throughout the day. It's easy to get caught up in whatever is happening around us and not realize how stressed, sad, angry, tor tired we are. Try to evaluate your behavior this week and see what's happening to illicit the responses you are having. If you identify things that make you happy, keep doing those! If you identify some things that are causing unnecessary stress in your life, get rid of them! Mindfulness is a tool that allows you to make adjustments or changes to your life in order to reach the goals and the lifestyle you want. It can be incredibly useful but it can also be a challenge. Give it some time, keep practicing, and before too long it will become a habit.
5. Treat Yo Self!
Donna and Tom have it right - it is important to treat yourself every now and then! Whether its a bubble bath, a new book, a shopping spree, or even just 15 minutes to yourself; try to do at least one thing per week to treat yourself. You are an amazing individual and you deserve a treat for just being you.
Above all else - remember this is a self-love practice. You won't be perfect and it will take time and focus but the nice thing about a practice is that as long as you are putting in the effort, you are going to notice progress.
Deborah Khoshaba Psy.D. with Psychology Today had a great definition of self love, "Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows by actions that mature us. When we act in ways that expand self-love in us, we begin to accept much better our weaknesses as well as our strengths, have less need to explain away our short-comings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts."
What I love most about that definition is that it classifies self-love as a dynamic state which is developed by our actions. These actions can be something as simple as writing ourselves a little encouraging note, repeating a mantra or kind thought throughout the day, or setting aside some time during a busy week to do something we find fulfilling. It can be as short as a 5 second mantra or as long as a 90 minute massage. You can build your practice of self-love in whatever way is most meaningful to you.
Wondering where to start? Look at some of the actions below and select a few to practice this week. The one thing I do ask is that you consider adding in a daily mantra. Thoughts have been shown to be incredibly impactful tools for change and can lead to either positive or negative changes in our mental and even physical structure and well-being. (Yes, I said physical structure. Read below if you don't believe me.)
1. Pick a daily mantra.
Words are incredibly powerful things. In 1994, Dr. Masaru Emoto conducted an experiment where he exposed water in glasses to different words, pictures or music, and then froze and examined their aesthetic properties of the resulting crystals with a microscope. The resulting images are really quite remarkable.
When staff repeated positive thoughts or words to the water, the crystals were beautiful. When the water was exposed to negatives words though, the crystals were off-color and misshapen. The images below are all from Dr. Emoto's site, be sure to visit for even more.
 |
| Love & Gratitude |
 | ||
| Thank You |
 |
| You Disgust Me |
 |
| You Fool |
A quick video:
The effects of just these few words was so large on these water crystals, it is impossible not to wonder about the effect the words we tell ourselves each day may be having on us. This week, try to focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones - or be proactive and pick a mantra to tell yourself throughout the day. You can do it as often as you like (every hour on the hour, each time you look in the mirror, or even each time you go to the bath) just remember to do it repeatedly throughout the week.
2. Set boundaries.
Protect yourself and set boundaries from work, relationships, and/or activities that drain you or bring you down. Yes, there are times where we need to do things that that drain us (laundry, anyone?), but it is important to set boundaries around those things so that it does not become to encircle our entire lives. Make sure to carve out time to do activities that bring you joy, energize you, or make you happy and try to limit those activities that bring you down.
3. Forgive yourself.
We can be brutal to ourselves when we feel like we've messed up, but remember to treat yourself like you would a friend and FORGIVE YOURSELF. We are human beings and thus are not perfect. Expecting perfectionism is a sure fire way to fail. Take it easy and remind yourself that this is a learning process. No one will ever perfect the art of self-love. We all have bad days but even those bad days can be used to lead ourselves to the good. If you realize you've slipped-up somehow, forgive yourself and ask yourself these three questions: 1.) How did I get here? 2.) Could it have been avoided? 3.) How can I choose a different path in the future?
4. Be mindful.
Try to pay attention to how you are thinking, feeling, and acting throughout the day. It's easy to get caught up in whatever is happening around us and not realize how stressed, sad, angry, tor tired we are. Try to evaluate your behavior this week and see what's happening to illicit the responses you are having. If you identify things that make you happy, keep doing those! If you identify some things that are causing unnecessary stress in your life, get rid of them! Mindfulness is a tool that allows you to make adjustments or changes to your life in order to reach the goals and the lifestyle you want. It can be incredibly useful but it can also be a challenge. Give it some time, keep practicing, and before too long it will become a habit.
5. Treat Yo Self!
Donna and Tom have it right - it is important to treat yourself every now and then! Whether its a bubble bath, a new book, a shopping spree, or even just 15 minutes to yourself; try to do at least one thing per week to treat yourself. You are an amazing individual and you deserve a treat for just being you.
Above all else - remember this is a self-love practice. You won't be perfect and it will take time and focus but the nice thing about a practice is that as long as you are putting in the effort, you are going to notice progress.
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